Off to trauma this after. Husband just called, he's ready to go in for his back. Dear has been bedridden unable to move and trying to Zen-out for the last five days, subsisting on a diet of copious amounts of Tylenol PM (7 at a time), Doans (multiple, I never counted), Alcohol (Budweiser), and Nicotine (Marlboro).
Now he realizes it *might* not get better and he's ready to see someone.
Packing him in the car as soon as I get home from work. Spending the night in Casualty is not my idea of a perfect night, but maybe he'll finally get some muscle relaxants to stop the spasms he's had since he was a kid. Or we'll find out he's really got cancer like he thinks and maybe get moving on that end of things.
I love older men, always have. Aches, pains, and grey all the same. For a forty two year old to fall apart like William has is not normal. I know sixty-somethings who are more whole than he is. No, dear, lack of any sexual appetite is not normal, not at any age. Should have been my first clue. But Rory or Tom comes along and he wants to shag all day. (sigh). I know this crush-obsession thing with Dan isn't 'real' or whatever you choose to term it, but he's the first man who's been around my own age I've ever felt anything for. Well, except for Ed but I was 12 and only had half a clue what I wanted to do to/with him.
This Dan thing, I don't even know how to explain it. He's only 3 years older than me, and it kinda shook me when I realized that. That's major - I've always been with much older men (read 20-40 years or so). William and I still get along great, but it makes me wonder why the hell we're married. Tax reasons? We even have separate insurance, so that's not it anymore. I do the dishes, housework, laundry, mow the grass/shovel snow, car maintenance, cooking... And he drinks. And smokes. Reads books. I'm really trying to think of what he does do with his time. And this is when his back is doing good. I should take a photo - he's got a little circle around him, all his essentials within arms reach. He doesn't move. I know it hurts, but you have to move it or it's gonna freeze and you'll never move again.
I hope they really do manage to fix him, whatever or however long it takes for the doctors to work on him this round. Surgery is even an option. I would much rather be obsessed with my husband (but in a non-stalker way) than with someone I have nary a change of ever meeting, let alone shaggin'.
Maybe I should find me a nice girl. Haven't liked any girls since Jess really. Kim was alright, but she had her own issues to deal with. I could go with a girl now. Maybe it's just the need for soft curves and warm hugs talking. They usually smell better than men too.
Brings up the question of should I really keep looking? I don't think anyone ever really stops looking; but should I actually talk to other people? I'm not the most socially adept on the planet. How would I even go about it. "Hey, you're hot, I'm married, wanna shag?" That just doesn't sound like me. And it's not what I really want, I think. Maybe I only need some really good physical non-committal thing, without all the baggage. There's not even anyone I'm interested in in the area. Am I too picky? No, that's what got me into this mess in the first place. Am I to be alone for the rest of my life like my grandma is? Will I get used to it? Do I ever get love or is it just not in my cards ever. Does everyone feel like this? Who do other people talk to, or do they just bottle it up too?
Finances are bothering me. With William unable to work, how am I gonna make the mortgage? It's tight as it is now, and he's talked me into a lot of debt (new car, water heater, assuming his student loans, things I never should have gotten and don't deserve). I don't want to go another winter without heat. Or have my house repossessed. I don't want to live like I did as a child, hungry and cold and dirty.
Well, now that I am totally depressed, I am going to collect his Aetna card and start arranging things. Good thing his mum is retired now, she can help haul his ass around.