Me vs. the World
Jan. 27th, 2008 09:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soobiebearSo I've been thinking all weekend. Have ignored all my email and messages except for the superficial ones.
Many tears later, I'm still not sure what to do. Call me a coward if you must, but the unknown scares the living shite out of me. Got a nice bit of lyrics written out of my dilemma, but no solution. I wish I had just died in July, things would be so much easier.
William commented infront of company tonight about how much I've been drinking. Nice of him. Cigarette dangling from his lips he makes little snide comments about my consumption. That bottle has been in the cooler for a good three months and it's just now down to 1/3rd full. I wouldn't call that an alcoholic, especially not compared to the man who drinks a 12 pack a night. It's a chemical, I use it no differently than I use the pot or the pills. I know what it's capable of and I can watch my own goddamn self. I've seen more than enough people die from drink I'm not about to follow them without good reason. I'm too miserable of a person to die yet anyway.
Do I venture forth on what shaky credentials I've built (really, it's not good news) or stay in my little quiet life that I've manage to obtain where I am just one of the plebes? I like having a quiet job, steady hours, home every day. I miss the energy and the highs when I'm out. I don't miss the lows. I miss the interactions with so many creative people. I'm creative enough on my own. The money's not good enough either way to sway me. Having a solid house and a 'home' is important to me. I fear my husband doesn't love me anymore, and I don't feel the same for him as I used to. I am afraid of who I am falling for although I doubt he'd ever fall for me. I am smart enough not to fall for anyone I meet on the road, but tell my heart that. Jerry would kill me if he ever found out. What's it mean when I'm more worried what an ex would think that my husband? Probably not a good sign, eh?
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I miss Steph, but I can't deal with management anymore. Need a serious talk with someone who'll smack me around a bit and set my head on right. Gill? Where are you woman? The problem with a six hour time difference. I get all depressive after my mates have already gone to bed.
Many tears later, I'm still not sure what to do. Call me a coward if you must, but the unknown scares the living shite out of me. Got a nice bit of lyrics written out of my dilemma, but no solution. I wish I had just died in July, things would be so much easier.
William commented infront of company tonight about how much I've been drinking. Nice of him. Cigarette dangling from his lips he makes little snide comments about my consumption. That bottle has been in the cooler for a good three months and it's just now down to 1/3rd full. I wouldn't call that an alcoholic, especially not compared to the man who drinks a 12 pack a night. It's a chemical, I use it no differently than I use the pot or the pills. I know what it's capable of and I can watch my own goddamn self. I've seen more than enough people die from drink I'm not about to follow them without good reason. I'm too miserable of a person to die yet anyway.
Do I venture forth on what shaky credentials I've built (really, it's not good news) or stay in my little quiet life that I've manage to obtain where I am just one of the plebes? I like having a quiet job, steady hours, home every day. I miss the energy and the highs when I'm out. I don't miss the lows. I miss the interactions with so many creative people. I'm creative enough on my own. The money's not good enough either way to sway me. Having a solid house and a 'home' is important to me. I fear my husband doesn't love me anymore, and I don't feel the same for him as I used to. I am afraid of who I am falling for although I doubt he'd ever fall for me. I am smart enough not to fall for anyone I meet on the road, but tell my heart that. Jerry would kill me if he ever found out. What's it mean when I'm more worried what an ex would think that my husband? Probably not a good sign, eh?
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I miss Steph, but I can't deal with management anymore. Need a serious talk with someone who'll smack me around a bit and set my head on right. Gill? Where are you woman? The problem with a six hour time difference. I get all depressive after my mates have already gone to bed.
